always check your dildo

Airports. Sure, yeah they smell weird, and there are too many people. The smoking lounge is in only one terminal of Atlanta's huge-ass airport, and my plane is never departing from C. So I'm usually a little high-strung. The line at Starbucks is always WAY too long and they never get my drink right. You can't take your water past security. You have to take off your watch and your socks, and my boots are always impossible to put back on unless I sit down somewhere to balance. There are a million reasons why being trapped between point A and B in an airport with a million other people being trapped between point A and B...sucks.

But that's not even why.

(Lindsay, here you go, I'm posting about it).

It's also really hard to travel with toys! Unless you're checking them, but sometimes I only have a carry-on, thus...the problem begins.

The first time I had an (ahem) incident was flying from SF to LA with only a carry-on. One of our dildos were in my bag and I didn't think about it until I just chuckled about it as I passed through security and my bag was going under. SURELY they wouldn't stop me for it.

I hear an older man lean over the guy at the screen, "I'll take this one. Pete, I'll take this one. Yeah. Lemme take it."

He looks right at me, "Ma'am, is this yours?"

I don't know what kind of coffee I drank this morning but I decided it wasn't worth being mortified, and it was better to just play my cool, not care. I mean really, when is the next time I'm going to see beerbellymanwithglassespinchinghistemples again. It DOESN'T MATTER. BREATHE.

"Yep."

"Do you know why you're over here?" He asks as he pats my bag.

"Uh...the dildo?" I say while cocking my head to the side. I kid you not.

He stutters, "Uh.." (awkward laugh) "Yeah...I mean, you see, ma'am, anything with dense material like this is going to set off the security system because there is no way to tell what it is, the computer can't read it, and it kind of looks gun-shaped, you see, I knew what it was right away..."

I stare, nodding. Smiling. My guyfriend Kelsey is waiting ahead for me wondering what the fuck is going on. I forgot to tell him I packed my dildo.

"And ma'am, you see, I wanted to save you any further embarrassment, so that's why I said I would take this bag..."

I looked straight into his eyes and replied, "Aww, thank you so much! But it's totally okay, I'm proud of my cock."

Again, I kid you not.

He straightened up and then laughed. Looked to the side at the line of people marching in through security, and then back at me. Laughed again. Luckily he said,

"Young lady, you just made my day."

Even though it was funny, I will never put a dildo in a carry-on again. What if he had taken it out and waved it around and inspected it, with gloves and everything?! ohmigod.

I'll never do that again, but now I have to worry about something else that I have not yet flown with: nipple piercings. Please god tell me someone knows they don't set off alarms. Apparently Nicole Richie's set off security a couple months ago. I'm flying with my parents and I swear if they take that probe thing and it starts beeping at my tits...