An online space for queer, questioning, lesbian, bi, trans and everything else in between women at Yale

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lessons taken from an age of bomber jackets, Salt 'N Pepa

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd. It keeps coming up anyhow. Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic because that is not going to stop it. Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows. Many will know, anything goes. Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be, how it was, and of course, how it should be. Those who think it's dirty have a choice- pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off. Will that stop us? I doubt it.

Hot to trot, make any man's eyes pop. She use what she got to get whatever she don't got. Fellas drool like fools, but then again they're only human; the chick was a hit because her body was boomin'. Gold, pearls, rubies, crazy diamond- nothin' she ever wore was ever common. Her dates- heads of state, men of taste, lawyers, doctors. No one was too great for her to get with or even mess with. The Prez she says was next on her list. And believe me, you, it's as good as true. There ain't a man alive that she couldn't get next to. She had it all in the bag so she should have been glad; but she was mad and sad and feelin' bad, thinkin' about the things that she never had- no love, just sex, followed next with a check and a note “that last night was dope.”

I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio. And why not? Everybody has sex. I mean, everybody should be makin' love. Come on, how many guys you know make love?

Let's talk about sex, baby

My mom nor dad has ever had “the Talk” with me. I have never been seated in a room and given an extended metaphor that was passed down from the frail generation that came up with comparing this intricate process to the “birds and the bees.” I have never been told that true love waits and that if a guy is worth it, he will wait for sex until we are married. I have never had generalizations and tidbits of Christianity shoved on my finger in the form of a promise ring. I have never been told the wonders of sex and the joys of finally being able to love someone completely and physically.

Instead I have been told to not worry about guys- they will come. I have been told that I need to support myself. I have been told that my priorities are my school, my family, and my career. I have been told that boys are not worth it.

From these slivers of wisdom, I have formed my own twisted view of what it means to talk about sex. My parents’ experiences were only based out of moments of passion and molded their scars over their hearts which peered through and terrified them when they tried to talk to us.

Their relationship was one of passionate embraces and bursts of lust. Out of their lustful ashes, my sisters and I were birthed. We are all just a little burnt.

Thinkin' about the things that she never had- no love, just sex

To be honest, I haven’t had either. I have never loved anyone fully and as a result, I have never had sex. I want to make love with someone I love and not just have sex. It may be the burn I got as a baby that reactivates itself every time I get in these situations. It is a weird sensation that ends in a brief pause and a sudden jerking away from whomever. I am always paralyzed by the sensation…

And there you have it, my biggest cock-block- fear. People react differently to fear and I just happen to let it overtake my romantic prospects. My bad? But each encounter helped me to see the situation clearly, to really evaluate what I wanted from them and what I wanted to give up. I never loved them but kept them for stories, for nostalgia, for experience. I am not cold-hearted just bruised. I am the one losing, I know; but, these things come when we least expect it right?

Sometimes I have the urge to give into my animal instincts- to be in a drunken state and start dancing with whomever wants to dance with me, to dance long enough to turn slightly and kiss them, to start a huge make-out session on the dance floor that leads to someone’s room, and to let be what will be. What stops me is my mind, the walk of shame, the feeling of insecurity that comes after, the explanation at the brunch table of where I was last night, the lack of love. If I have never had sex, I don’t know what I am missing and I don’t have the urge for that part of physicality- but I do.

Come on, how many guys you know make love?

Making love is an intricate process that, from my experience, very few get to really have. It involves confidence, faith, and trust. However, it is unfair to say that all guys don’t know how to make love. I can name a few guys I have met in my life that would make love and not just have sex. It is not to say that they wouldn’t fill the other moments with cheap thrills or tequila-breathed kisses and shivers but they are capable of embracing the anchored love with returned love. I wish I could fall in love with these men or at least experience their love. These men who have been taught correctly what love entails and who have learned how to treat people well deserve to be given congratulations.

To all others, I don’t want to settle for someone who cannot take responsibility for any of his actions and be honest. If you don’t love me, fine; but please be honest with me and be honest with yourself and your emotions. I know love doesn’t come from having sex x amount of times; I know that love is something that takes time; I know that love is probably something that you won’t have for me nor I for you after our consuming encounter. But please let us be honest with each other. Honesty is the first step to taking responsibility and to making love. There are times to be delusional and to believe whatever you want to believe; use those times wisely because eventually you have to come back to reality. Be open with your consent and your expectations.

To those who know how to love, thank you.