Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
On Monday, I started my Americorp fellowship at Row NY, a nonprofit that runs a competitive girls program for NYC high school girls. My overwhelmingly descriptive official title is 'Program Assistant' but really, I'm an assistant coach for the novices and I'm working with the academic and college prep component of the program as well.
I'm sure you'll all hear this a million times but for its true and I've learned it the fun and easy way these past two days: Do what you love, preferably with other people who are doing what they love.
Am I a little worried about burn out because I'm so frickin excited about everything (my desk, the crappy lake we row on, the erg room, delicious free lunch, crosswords and trivia night at the bar in the next block, making the girls crossfit, sending some of them to yale,.....) ? Yeah. I'm a little worried about it. But I think I'll be okay because at worst I will be happy-burnt out.
Now that I've got a regular schedule I can also go back to focusing on doing things regularly with my time. like training. and applying to divinity school. And once I settle in I can finally pick amongst the several people I could possibly be pursuing romantically. And at the very least NYC has a sizable party scene. (Real L Word: Brooklyn, anyone?)
maybe I should track down photos from a play in which I played the bottom in a gay (male) couple opposite a female friend of mine (queerest play EvEr!!) then I would totally have Freddie beat. :p
Friday, August 27, 2010
Just because I'm bored (none of my housemates have moved in yet so it's basically a Freddie-in-her-underwear-dance-party up in here) and looking through old old old facebook photos. I found one of me in high school that I wanted to share with you. I was Titania in my high school's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, and there were pictures taken for the one day that the boy who played Bottom was out sick. Oh the irony now. Our assistant director Mandy filled in for him that day, and everyone commented that that was the day where Titania and Bottom had the best chemistry. Not to mention this picture shows Mandy REALLY being my "Bottom" . . . ba ha ha. I forget this stuff exists and when I rediscover it, I think "WHY THE HELL WAS I SUCH A CLOSET CASE FOR MY WHOLE LIFE UNTIL NOW?!"
Haha. Love to you all with this fun photo.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I know that the serve lack of gay-lady blog over your summer has made you sad sad. It has made me sad too. And you know that promise I made to stick around as a creepy grad?! This is me keeping it! However, I'm going to keep it by pointing you to my new blog that I'm keeping for the next two years while I'm teaching chemistry and physics to British school children.
Granted, my blog isn't going to be as super-gay as this one. In fact, it may be minimally gay because this small town where I live seems to be minimally gay (SAD FACE), but sometimes I won't be able to help myself. The gay is bound to ooze out.
I'm obviously going to still check in on the Sappho blog from time to time. I'm not trying to kid myself . . . I miss Yale like crazy. In fact, today, going on facebook feels a little bit like cutting. Just self-inflicted yet voluntary pain. Statuses about how gorgeous the new Morse is or how excited everyone is for all the stuff I used to love . . . especially the YPMB . . . my heart just sinks.
But enough of my weepiness. I love all of you and hope that we meet again someday! Which of course we will.
And don't be too surprised that I write my other blog as "Freddie" too. I like the anonymity it give me to keep the blog secret from anyone I work with so I can write about them :)
So much DYKE LOVE!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Me? I've had some good times. I discovered a while ago that June was going to be a total mis-mash of a month , so I just let it happen.
My little sister graduated from high school. That was very exciting and also odd. Feels weird being old.
Then, pretty much, I went on a cruise to Orlando and the Bahamas. Now that was awesome. Ate so much delicious food that I voluntarily fasted for the next day and a half.
Got my personal training certification and may or may not have signed all of my time away to a gym for the next three months. But whatever, it pays like a dream.
I did yoga in Times Square on Monday. One of the weirdest things I've ever done, but also fun. I felt like a skyscraper.
Now this week is Pride and its the first time I've been in NYC and old/aware enough to appreciate it.
in short, running around like a chicken with my head chopped off. AND LOVING IT!
yeah, i know, this is short on the details, but I just wanted to pop in and share the love. Now I'm gonna go drink sangria.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
This is the first time that being home for a couple of weeks didn't feel like it was enough. I felt like I was just getting started, and that there were so many more things that I wanted to do, and so much more time that I wanted to spend with her, and with my Mom, of course.
Last summer I had the chance of staying home for about a month and a half, but the overachiever in me, and one with a skewed view of reality, could not bear the thought, and so I found something else to do and left. I ended up doing an internship which I did not enjoy, which showed to my supervisors. It ended up not being the experience I had hoped for. And now, although I am so far enjoying my time here, and although I am excited about what lies ahead, I am also really wanting to be home. I think the main reasons for this are that I get to see my gilfriend every day, hang out with her, stay for a long time, without the "oh shit the weekend's over" and a 2 hour commute. I also really enjoyed spending time with my Mom, and my brother for the last day (his first day back home). I enjoyed reconnecting with old friends, and yes, I loved not doing absolutely anything.
This makes me think about what I am going to want to do next summer, but that's too far in advance, plus I don't know if I'll be waiting to go to grad school, waiting for my job to start, or still in the process of finding a job/figuring out what to do with my life. A bit closer to reality, when I get back from Singapore, my Mom and my girlfriend will be in different cities. FUN. So I'll have to budget my time appropriately, and somehow explain to my Mom that she should not be jealous of her. Oh well...What about you? Are you home? Were you/will you be at home this summer? Tell me your summer story (so far)!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
So I kissed a guy at a lesbian club. Ok, so as well as this being one of the wtf moments that make up my life recently, there was context. My lesbro had promised to take me to this club while I was visiting her, and the night we happened to go (along with her girlfriend and another queer woman) I happened to be with this guy. So, because I have an impeccable sense of context (not), I decide its an awesome idea to go dance and make out with him. Yeah, I'm an awful queer woman...sorry!
So at first , most of the girls there (this was a real lesbian club, like, all girls) didn't give me and my dance partner a second glance. I'm taller than him in my four inch heels, his hair is longer than mine, and his presentation is decidedly androgynous (see the picture!). However, as people got closer, they would do a visible double-take, realizing that, well he was a guy...a lot of girls seemed weirded out, shuffled away abit, so in a minute we went upstairs to find a quiet corner.
I'm used to strange reactions to my kissing people: from friends who didn't know I'm bi seeing me make out with a girl for the first time, to newer friends who assumed that I was gay seeing me kiss a guy, to the general voyeuristic attitude many boys take to girls making out. No, we are not doing it for your benefit, and no you cannot hit on one or both of us because we are clearly occupied. But this feeling of slight discomfort or wierdness was a new one.
At first I felt a little maybe that this was unfairly taking over queer space, but then I decided fuck that, I'm bi and proud and I want to hang with my other queer friends and my choice of make out partners shouldn't effect that. If I want to kiss a girl when I'm at Toads with my straight suitemates, I will. And if I want to kiss a boy when I'm out with my queer friends, I'll do that too.
Anyway, this got me thinking. I have a gay guy friend who, although very open about his sexuality with friends, felt uncomfortable even dancing with his screw date in front of his team. I guess I have never felt this pressure (being part of a super gay friendly team, and with the general reaction to women kissing being more “oh thats hot” rather than “oh thats disgusting”) but how does people in general, or your friends, reactions to who you choose to kiss/dance with/go on a date with etc effect how you act in public? Other bi's would you feel uncomfortable with a guy around a mostly queer group? Comment and tell me what you think!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Goodness, I have been soooo MIA from posting. I'm almost ashamed. But I guess now I have the excuse that I'm graduated (like a cylinder, yeah?) so I can post when/what ever I want. Not like that was incredibly different from before, though, despite how often Mariana nagged me to post when I was supposed to :)
Kudos to Ryan. She and I have both decided that we are going to stick around and post occasionally as creepy grads.
So I'm one of the members of the class of 2010 who spent most of her last few weeks at Yale in tears. I just couldn't let go. It took me these four years to build my friendships and become part of the communities I love so much. Pulling myself away from the YPMB and the queer community were the worst. I just did NOT want to go back to Ohio. Those of you who saw the most recent episode of glee (aka all of you) can only imagine how much my heart ached when Finn yelled at Kurt to try harder to blend in. "We live in Ohio, Kurt, not somewhere like New York or San Francisco where they eat vegetables that aren't fried!" Ohio is the place I grew up, and I love so much about it, but my queer little heart has nothing gay to cling on to. Yale brought so much beautiful gayness to my life, and now it feels like I'm very much alone.
To combat the daunting loneliness of gay Ohio isolation, I have established the following objectives for this summer: 1) go to as many Pride celebrations as I can (currently making plans for June 12th in Monterrey, Mexico and June 24-28 in NYC!), and 2) come out to EVERYONE!
Along the lines of the second objective, I first came out to my parents. An elaboration of what I mean by that, plus the story of how it went will come at the end of this post. Beyond that, however, I have already come out to one full family of Russians who have known me since 1st grade (the family of my elementary/junior/senior high school best friend), one family of liberal hicks who have also known me for forever (the family of another dear friend), and one high school ex-boyfriend.
How did these go? Mixed results. The Russian family was AMAZING. I was out to my best friend ahead of time, and she told me to expect them to be supportive, but I couldn't have anticipated how supportive they would be! So many amazing responses came from that group including some of these: 1) tons of hugs 2)"I thought that flannel shirt looked pretty gay!" 3) "Well shit, there go my chances!" (from my best friend's dad, of course), and 4) tons of intrigued questions about how girl-girl sex works. IT WAS GLORIOUS. If only all coming-out experiences could be so uplifting. It was like they saw me in a whole new light, and they loved it. They were interested, intrigued, and loving. I couldn't have asked for more.
The other family was less receptive, but at least it wasn't a spectacle. They politely smiled and said congrats, but mostly brushed it off. I can't really blame them, though. Their world had just gotten rocked because my dear friend (their daughter) had eloped with a Nicaraguan boy that she met while studying abroad in Costa Rica, and she hadn't told them about it until recently. She had studied abroad nearly six months prior to now, and hence had been married for about six months before she told ANY OF US. So naturally, me being a homo was far less interesting or shocking than the other things going on in that poor family's life. Sigh.
Coming out to the ex-boyfriend was incredibly nice. We hadn't really connected at all since we broke up during freshman year, so took today to hang out and talk for hours. It was easy for me to share my journey with him, and he shared his journey with me. We had both been a little un-lucky in love with girls in the past, so we bonded over that. He told me all about how he spontaneously drove from Columbus, Ohio to Nashville on a whim to tell a girl how he felt about her, only to realize she had gone out of town to go to her grandfather's funeral! And I told him all about why it took me FOREVER to have the courage to really come out, and how I was so sad that I had hit so many bumps in the road along the way. At the end, we were crying and hugging and it turned into an incredible evening with a lost friend. Boys are so much more fun when you can just be bro's, and he and I had never had that before.
Goodness, this post is getting long, but I still want to talk about "coming out" to my parents. I guess I put those words in quotes because I had come out to my parents as bisexual during the summer after freshman year. However, I had never given them a reason to confront it. I had kept dating boys, and I had never mentioned any of my flings with girls because they had never gone anywhere.
Now, at the end of Yale, I feel differently than I had when I came out before. I don't really think I identify as bi anymore. I just feel gay. Gay gay gay. I've become a drag performer (ah! my calling!), joined the rugby team, become even more involved in the queer community at Yale, and even had some luck with girls :) At the brink of stepping out into the read world *shudder* as a hopeful, excited, and proud gay girl, I felt like I needed to re-come out to my parents.
And luckily, they started the conversation for me. I had been ranting and raving to them ever since Bad Romance had starting coming together about how much I LOVED performing in drag. And when they came out for graduation, I got to show them all my pictures! There were hundreds of pictures from BR and from the glitter salute at BAR, and they could tell that I was beyond proud of all of them. So, with effortless tact, my Mom began the conversation while we were eating at Uno Pizzaria in NYC before seeing a Broadway show. She first asked what I loved about drag. Why drag? What is it about? What do you mean gender is a performance? Who is drag for? Why do YOU like performing a different gender? Why is it still drag when you prance around in your bra and fishnets? What statement are you trying to make? Wait – that boy on the right side of the group photo is actually a GIRL?!
I was SO excited to begin to explain drag to my Smalltown, Ohio parents! I could tell they didn't really understand everything, but they really responded to my enthusiasm and wanted me to elaborate as well as I could. Throughout my excited rambling, I kept referring to the "queer community,” and yet again, with a smile and a truckload of finesse, my mom asked, "Okay, babe, so your dad and I are wondering where YOU fall in the queer community?" After this, my dad immediately interjected awkwardly, "And kiddo, if you don't want to talk about it, we can just talk about something else . . . like the weather. Know that we love you no matter what, and you don't have to talk if you don't want to."
I LOVE MY PARENTS. I confessed to them, with a few tears welling up in my eyes, that although people change, identity isn't fixed, and you can never predict love, I probably wasn't going to be bringing home any more boyfriends. I am gay, and I'm happy about it. Ecstatic in fact. I think it’s one of the best things about me. And then I burst into tears. And they just hugged me. Then, after I regained my composure, we did just talk about the weather. I think we all needed to let the emotional charge dissipate a little bit.
Since then, we haven't discussed it again. But today I was filling out paperwork for my job in England next year, and I stopped to point out to my parents that the non-discrimination policy for the school where I would be working protected sexual orientation and gender presentation! Then I also showed them how all the wording in the pension plan said "spouse or civil partner." They were almost as excited about these small (but totally NOT small) things as I was. And so my parents and I are taking baby steps.
Next step? Bring home an adorable British girlfriend, of course :)
Ok Sappho, thanks for listening. I hope you put up with my rambly writing-style to get to this point. I hope to see so many of you at NYC Pride in less than a month!
So much love <3
Friday, May 28, 2010
So I'm at home. Sort of. And by 'home' I mean I'm splitting time between my grandmother's house, my mom's apartment, and my best friend's apartment where I will be living as soon as I start getting paid. It's complicated. But worry not, dear Readers, I 'spect that by the beginning of July I will be a full fledged and well paid personal trainer. Ching!
I thought about taking this time to reflect on my past four years. Or really even the last two as those are the most relevant. But that would be super long, and no specific story is jumping out at me right at this second.
Instead, let me start by saying that it's funny for me to be writing this post in my grandmother's house of all places. Of any of the relatives with whom I interact on a regular basis, she's the most conservative and the last person I would tell I was queer. (*tangent* this morning over coffee, she called herself queer intending the 'odd' meaning of the word, but I had a little chuckle) This is not to say she doesn't know. You see, this is where the story gets funny.
My best friend, from earlier, who I'm moving in with. She's more than just my best friend. She is my heterosexual life partner. We've been super tight since senior year of high school and I don't see that changing any time soon. Of all the people who came to graduation she was the one I was most happy to see. Unlike my yalie-version of her, I have never had any sexual attraction to her, and now it would just be beyond weird. But, sometimes I wonder if her prominence in my life will complicate my bothering to find a signficant romantic other of my own (she's been with her boyfriend for like...3 years or something ridiculous). But that is not the point of the story.
Once upon a time, I finally convinced her to come out to Jersey to hang with me instead of us roaming the city-which, granted, is more stimulating. So, she arrives and in some converation I am not party to, my mother insuates that she and I are in fact an item and so any and all lame adults should make themselves scarce. Now, my mother knows full well that we're not together (though I think this happened more recently than I originally thought). My suspicion is that she just wanted us to have our own space and not have P.O.S. all weekend, which I can appreciate.
However, this message has not been so clear through the lines of my extended family. Fast forward to graduation. I'm walking my friend back to the train station and she says "I'm pretty sure your grandmother still thinks we're together". Ah indeed, I say. Turns out, my grandmother had tried to really chat up my friend who she has only met once. I mean...it's sweet I guess, but man are they gonna be confused when I get around to bringing home an actual girlfriend. oh bother....
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I spent my last week at Yale before summer break working on Pippin, the Dramat's commencement musical, and, although I'm certain that there's an interesting discussion in the gender roles intrinsic to the costume shop (after an afternoon spent alternately doing delicate stitchery and draping chain with a hammer and a vise, my boyfriend exclaimed "I have the best butch girlfriend ever!), I'm more interested in talking about what happened onstage.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I haven't posted in forever--apologiesss. I am now settled (sort of) into palo alto to do research at Stanford. The campus is SO BIG...it's overwhelming. Temporarily I'm living at the Kappa Alpha Theta house with my friend. Right next door is the lgbtq house, so I get to see a rainbow flag every time I leave our house!
I'm so excited to live so close to San Francisco. I'm seeing if I can volunteer at SF Pride in June--so excited! BACKSTREET BOYS ARE PERFORMING. Yes, be jealous. You are...my fire....my one....
I'm just really looking forward to living in a place where I am out from the get-go. There is no coming out process really...if you are immediately out, you know? AHHHH so refreshing.
I miss my girlfriend a lot. And it's been like....39 hours since I last saw her. Just went back to the have to see her and her family for graduation festivities. And I seriously keep my phone in my back pocket so I can feel when I get a text so I can text her right back. I feel a little pathetic....she's flying me to L.A. on Friday...and it seems like a kabajillion years awayyyy.
Anwayssss--y'all should google Bridget Mcmanus--she's great. OH--and Karen....you and bridget have the same smile! watching her makes me miss you!
sorry this post was a little spastic--a little jet-lagged and sleepy. :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Soon, I will post on Thursday mornings from my part-time job at a yoga/mind-body study in NYC. Fun times. But more on that in a week.*
*yeah...I'm gonna keep posting after graduation at least as long as my life doesn't spiral into chaos. So you will never be rid of me. HA!*
Today is going to be a day of days. The sun is really out. It's going to be a good deal warmer. There's brunch for the seniors and then croquet and more champagne for JE seniors. So I guess the theme of today is champagne. It's like Yale spent the last couple of days getting us all wasted on whatever we wanted and is now saying "here is some bubbly, go sleep it off before your parents get here". oh joy.
that doesn't even mention how much alcohol I get to take possession of from certain of my teammates who can't drink it. lucky bitches still going to NCAAs. Or perhaps I am the lucky one, getting to hang out with friends new and old, take a load off, train how and when I want.
But! There's more!
TONIGHT IS THE GREY'S FINALE! THERE IS A SHOOTER IN THE HOSPITAL! SOMEONE DIES! MANDY MOORE GUEST STARS! (she was always my favorite of the blond 90s singers)
Also, maybe Grey's will throw us some more will-they-won't-they-up-against-the-elevator-wall action for Calzona. Or maybe they could just not break up over baby drama. I mean honestly, how played is that?
1) if you're around, and want some alcohol, let me know.
2) I will almost assuredly be in the JE basement watching grey's at 9, if anyone wants to come.
p.s. how awesome was glee in so many ways? way awesome.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Anyway, here are some useful things for people who like new music.
I think I've mentioned VolumeVote.com before. A new song every day and now they're getting ready to beta launch a premium program that you can test (read: download extra music) for free. Sweet!
Every Tuesday is new iTunes music day. If you go in the iTunes store to the free on iTunes section, you'll find usually two or three tracks that are free. Sometimes these are totally rad, like "The uncomfortable truth" by nneka.
Amazon.com also has a ton of free music. And by a ton, I mean thousands upon thousands of free tracks. A lot of them are in the form of indie record label samplers, but you can still find some sweet stuff if you take the time to fish through it.
I'm also a big proponent of signing up for things like eMusic, which will give you 25 free downloads, and then dropping it like its hot after the trial period. Ching!
And of course, sites like pandora.com and meemix.com (for when you play out your free pandora happens- its 40hrs a month)are great for discovering new music you like, though it won't give you free downloads. shucks.
Hanging out in the JE Library by myself, I'm trying to figure out what the appropriate wait period is before I sell back the books people seem to have abandoned here for my own gain. Similarly, I'm curious if I can still use my lunch swipe at Durfee. I could yesterday. That would be totally game changing for the next week and a half.
Happy Summer everybody!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
But! I do feel like the shift is coming. One of my usual breakfast buddies reminded me that Commons closes tomorrow, making it our LAST EVER commons breakfast. The commons hot breakfast has defined my Yale experience (at least a little) so that sort of got to me. Senior dinner didn't even have the same effect. I am a weird kid.
Here is what really did it though.
As I was going to work in the library, I ran into a friend of mine who I've been harboring feelings for but haven't hung out with in a while as she was leaving. After a brief moment of struggle to figure out how to keep the elevator door from closing (push the call button, dumby)she said "i need to see you before I leave." followed by "I leave Saturday".
You can't leave Saturday! That's like....not enough time for me woman up or, conversely, bury myself more thoroughly into my shyness. Where did the damn time go?
Yeah, so now I'm all trying to figure out the best way to handle what may be our last interaction. at least for some time.
Here I've been chanting 'last chance dance' at random intervals, kind of as a joke, but kind of seriously, when I've missed a huge portion of this picture. People are leaving, they are already leaving, and though they will be coming back, I won't, at least not in the full-time capacity to which I am accustomed.
Now I feel the need to set up lunch dates with everyone I know and love for the next four days, or however long we have. Gosh, where are fairy godparents when you need them to remind you to look around and not just barrel straight forward?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
The mechanics of deployment specifically make openly straight people detrimental to morale and unit cohesion, and there is no real reason that they cannot continue to serve secretly. To begin with, high morale is one of the key components in a military operation and one of the most difficult to achieve in wars of insurgent violence, where soldiers may feel like they are in constant danger. Openly heterosexual soldiers are damage this precious morale, because most normal service men and women are especially uncomfortable sharing common areas, living quarters, and even showers with them. Owing to a historical tradition in the military, most soldiers are unused to living intimately with heterosexuals and often feel a moral objection to those that chose this life style. Causing discomfort and tension in the few safe areas our soldiers have is last thing we need to improve slipping morale.
Heterosexuals sexual practices also damage unit cohesion because when inevitable sexual and romantic relationships develop among them, they often lack experience remaining in close contact with past partners. Most normal soldiers are accustomed to communities in which they are frequently forced to remain friends with (or at least civil with) exes because of they often share core friendship groups, play on the same sports teams, sing/act in the same productions, or participate in the same activities. Most soldiers are accustomed to having friends date or hook up with exes and are much more comfortable continuing to be in close contact with, work with, and even live with ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Straight soldiers lack this experience, because straight culture allows much more commonly for couples to become distant after a break up, returning to distinct friendship groups that rarely overlap because they are gender segregated. Thus straight people in the military would inevitably cause a breakdown in unit cohesion, and current and former partners lack the framework for continuing to be in close contact. Fighting and inability to work together is damaging to the functionality of the unit and ultimately its performance on the street.
In light of these key issues, there is no real need for straight soldiers to be permitted to serve openly. Currently, heterosexuals are still allowed to serve if they keep their orientation secret. This prohibition removes the discomfort regular soldiers might feel knowing a heterosexual was in their midst and reduces the problems that come from heterosexual in-service dating. Realistically, keeping quiet about their sexuality is a small price to ask in return for being able to serve our country along with their more mainstream peers and asks merely that heterosexual soldiers lie to their comrades about their past, attractions, current relationship situation, and an important part of their identity. Overall, the benefits of restricting openly heterosexual service members outweigh the small cost, and is clearly better for our military and our country as a whole. For the good of our men and women in uniform, straight servicepeople must simply be forced to keep quiet about their sexuality.
(nb. If this were not obvious, this is a satire. I do not actually think that heterosexuals should be barred from the military, I'm simply critiquing DADT)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My video was me, and the sides of me that only make appearances on special occasions, like drag ball, or spider ball. Oh the balls! wait...that doesn't sound right. No matter.
I've got no problem dressing up. I love when I get to be Roman and I love when I get to be Jules (which is what I have named by femme alter-ego). Really though, I just like being Me, track suit wearing softee that I am.
But this video was really hard for me to shoot and edit. I knew going in it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, but still. I couldn't figure out how to shoot party or night scenes as Roman or Jules without looking like a complete weirdo, and the lighting was hard.
But really the struggle came when I had to sit down and edit it. Sure, I had made cameos in my other videos but here I was literally staring myself in the face. More specifically, I was staring at myself three times over.
This was my well intentioned but perhaps poorly implemented attempt to tell a part of my own story, my own journey you might say.
When it came time to show our rough cuts (it did not help matters that I was down to the wire for time), I was so nervous I didn't want to watch it with my professor and TA. Maybe I was worried about the fuzzy line between critiquing my video and critiquing me. Mostly, it felt weird to let people so intimately into my head. Here are the things that I think and feel everyone, enjoy. It turns out, it went quite nicely. My TA made a joke that I missed because I was too busy vibrating anxiously. My professor pointed out some of the really well put together moments (ie, the ones I spent the most time on because i too was really excited about them). In short, I survived it, and came back to make some edits. This round of editing was easier. Thank God.
When we showed the final, my professor and TA were the only people who spoke, which I am unsure what to make of. I mean....comment on something really surface, like the sound levels or something. Anything than sit there staring at the screen, because I don't know how to read that.
Anyhow, during my professors comments, she said something along the lines of the 'party' section seems like it was intentionally created in place of something else (yeah...I couldn't figure out how to successfully shoot a party scene) which keeps people at a distance (which I like) but choosing to put real photographs there instead (hooray for facebooking for class) gave it a sense of vulnerability (i added a picture from senior prom for good measure). and i kind of just kept nodding because i was like "yes, ive shown it. i feel it. lets move on".
I was a huge cry-baby as kid. Cryin Ryan. Of all the things you can rhyme with my name, that's what stuck. I reacted very strongly to everything generally. Then, over the course of my development, I learned, got trained, what have you, to fight that impulse. And as I got really good at it, I swung too far to the opposite direction. I was really emotionally detached from things, or I still had those responses but I exerted a lot of energy to contain them, which, as you might expect, was no fun. One result of this has been to keep people at arms length. (This is a successful physical metaphor, because holding someone away from you on straight arms is way easier than doing it with bent arms- at which point they would be closer than arms length, but I digress). It turns out, your friends don't like it when you do that. So, as any good pendulum will, I've tried to swing back to some kind of balance. A place where I can be vulnerable without being frail.
So I realized, my final video, kind of like this blog, was a window that I opened onto myself. Now, people are welcome to see if they feel like it. Maybe even poke around some. I'm not opening any doors yet, and I imagine that's what you save for your nearest and dearest, but it's progress.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
So this week also sums up the closing of my freshman year, which was the first year of me being very, very out.
It was partially by accident. I mean, I'm not the type of person that likes being particularly explicit (even though I think Yale has helped me look incredibly dyke-y recently). If asked I will tell, but who I like to fuck does not often come up in conversation often. Especially in high school. And whenever it did, it was sort of awkward because I was sort of awkward, but not it a "haha" way but in a "I hate this place but I haven't realized it yet" awkward.
But here, I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to anyone. Also, I got drunk a few times. Whatever. So whereas in high school if someone would say to me "Yo that guy over there is ~s0 hAwT~" I would probably make a face like :| and not say anything.
In college, a liquor loosening my tongue, I'd politely say to the person that no, I don't think that guy over there is attractive, nor most other ones. And this was why I considered myself a LESBIAN!
And the other person wouldn't care, like I expected, and then we'd continue on with life. So now I just have to do this for people at home (where everyone would just say that they knew anyway)!
I'm sure I have a lot more 'growing' as a queer woman to do, and I'm ready for it. Coming out is only one part of the journey. Now i just need to survive the rest of my life, or at least finals.
Happy reading week, everyone!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
They have everything from sex themed party favors...to vibrators...to handcuffs....
It might be fun to invade the place.
lets have a sappho field trip, shall we?
I have been so MIA--so sorry for that.
Glad to hear Chip is doing well, TheCuteOne! :)
I won't give too many details about my sex life...but I will say that I have very much enjoyed sex in a way that I didn't know I could. I LOVE TOPPING. No...like...really. And this scarres me a little. I've always identified as more of a bottom...powerbottom to make myself feel a little more in control...but I really love topping my girlfriend. I think a mixed relationship is healthy and I'm coming to accept my inner-dominant side that I haven't really shown to many people. But it's a little scary for me! I feel like I shouldn't be so...dominant. I don't know...but I LOVE it. Eeeee.
Okay maybe that was too much detail. CuteOne, you started it! :)
My exboyfriend texted me today and told me he's going to come out to his parents. I'm so nervous for him. His parents are very homophobic. They will probably blame it on my influence on their son, haha. Just how my parents blamed my "struggles" on his influence on me.
Oh, parents. Oh, that unfortunate and misdirected generation.
When you read this/if you make it to this line--please say a little prayer/hope for the best for my exbf and his parents. It's going to be rough if he goes through with it.
YAY END OF TERM. BOO EXAMS! YAY CHIP (and all additions to the bedroom that will inevitably destress us!)
Anyway, it was fun for me to realize that even though I'm not really friends with that many boys now, aside from gay boys and my two straight male friends from highschool, that I still like boys, and we can still hang out and have fun.
That's pretty much all I've got for today friends. Sadly I'm pretty run down and my gay flame isn't burning as brightly today as it might otherwise. Maybe next time I'll have something rivetingly gay to tell you all about, like Chip.
I'm taking a break from outlining moth genitalia to post before I forget and get caught up in my practice-dinner-grey's frivolity. (The moths are for a friend's senior project. I'm not that strange.)
Alas! I fear I have no real substantive thoughts at the moment, just lots of scattered ones. like....remember that post from a while back about things making way more sense in hindsight? yes, well, in hindsight, my first ever crush was on the original Pink Ranger from Power Rangers. didn't know it at the time, but it seems so obvious now. I also have a huge celeb crush on Kelly Clarkson, but that's a different story.
I was reading the Lost Symbol by Dan Brown the other day and almost stopped and angrily left the store twice because 1) he equated the purpose behind tattoos and drug use to transitioning. (maybe equated is a little strong, but it went something like this: tattooing is all about taking control of your carnal form- which is why so many people are getting tattoos or doing drugs or transgendering) WTF? I mean...maybe, on the level that I get tattoos to express things on the outside that I feel on the inside and transpeople change their bodies to match who they are on the inside...you have to read it. It's like, five pages in. I was upset. and tired at the time, so that didn't help.
Then his characters knocked Yale a handful of times (He went to Harvard), which also made me mad. The fact that this guy gives a talk about writing to the freshman at Exeter (where we both went to high school) is laughable. But I've always been a sucker for a little bit of plane-fiction now and then.
Blueberries are delicious. I've been eating them constantly since I gave my Mellon forum and ended up with my weight in left over indian food. So i've been using my lunch swipes for blueberries and pistachios. The ladies at durfee's think I'm crazy.
Are anyone else's allergies kicking into high gear? because I haven't sneezed as much in my whole life as I have today.
This is the song of my past two weeks. It's in my final project for Intro to Digital Video, which I will talk about next week after I hand it in. Figure its better that way. Also a huge sucker for Timbaland.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I am quickly getting very sad about graduating. I think I need three more senior years. Finally I have families of friends. Finally I've figured out that grades don't matter. Finally I am doing all the things I should have done long ago. Finally I am happy.
I think a big component of my happiness comes from how content I am having finally figured out that I'm queer. The queer community at Yale is so amazing, and there are so many beautiful queer girls here that I spend most of my time drooling. Truth be told - I don't want to leave.
Not at all.
For the next two years, I'm going to be living in the English countryside. I'm going to be a chemistry/biology teacher at a coed boarding school, and I'm psyched. But I'm also worried.
I want to be out. I want to date fierce ladies that I find playing rugby in the gorgeous countryside. What do any of you know about gay girls in England? What is gay girl culture like? How ok is it to be out? Am I going to find gay girls in the countryside? Will I find them in London?
Help me, Sappho. Tell me your thoughts.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
(h/t to Project Rungay)
Friday, April 16, 2010
That's right, NOM has found a niche within the blogging sphere previously limited to, um, anything but conservative gay marriage haters. I must say, it's fun to see their posts about protecting the sanctity of marriage in the midst of my dashboard filled with internet memes and nude women.
However, it does provide a source of news for me in terms of gay rights and marriage equality outside of the United States. For example, did you know that Italy's highest court recently rejected same-sex marriage? Or that the Karl Lagerfeld spoke out against gay parents? He's a fashion designer, by the way. Way to lose half of your fan-base, Karl.
I wonder how many earnest followers NOM has. I mean, I'm sure there are some genuine people who appreciate that tumblr, but hopefully there will always be those like me who reblogs every post with anger and snark.
In case anyone wants to look at the website, it's http://nationformarriage.tumblr.com/
Have fun, kids!
You can read about it here, if you didn't already see it in the paper: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/16/us/politics/16webhosp.html?hp.
Also, a old but heartbreaking article which shows why this is so necessary. Basically let someone be with thier partner of 15+ years at their death bed. Not rocket science, one would think. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/19/health/19well.html?_r=1
And if that depressed you as much as it did me, some satire to make you feel better. I don't know how to embed videos (did I mention I'm awful at technology?) but here's a handy guide to life as a closeted politician. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSGlmYIuATQ.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
One of my favorite ways to pass the time, especially when I don't have work or don't want to do it, is to hang out in Barnes and Nobles and read short stories. It works out brilliantly on all fronts. I feel less weird reading them in the bookSTORE where people generally pay for books. I can start a book of short stories and not finish them and that's ok, I can go back to it later. They tend to be cheaper if I do decide to buy them. They last about as long as my attention span. Basically, its great.
So today, I made my first trek to the bookstore for this purpose in a while with the intent of reading Amy Bloom's 'Where the God of Love Hangs Out'. Turns out she's got all kind of short stories, so after sitting on the floor and reading all the back covers, I settled on 'a blind man can see how much I love you'. I must say I was not disappointed, and I've only read the first two stories.
The first one was about a mother, Jane, and her ftm child, Jess. The story was beautifully written and was sharp and witty. It helps that Jess and Jane's relationship plays out the way a typical young man would interact with his mother, at least for the most part. I'll admit, I did get a little lost when the mother gained a love interest toward the end of the story, but I guess everyone deserves a happy ending while we're passing them around.
The second was about a woman undergoing cancer treatment with her husband and her lesbian best friend by her side. (I won't lie, I didn't finish this one because I was pressed for time). This story was still good but more of a downer. I found it hard to sympathize with the main character after reading Jane's story. But Bloom is a great writer, so it works all the same.
The last book of short stories I read was called "Both Ways is the Only way I want it" and it was a book full of mostly-downer stories. but it was SO GOOD. mm. I'm enjoying the memory of it.
Now I'm off to try to actually accomplish something.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I don't know, that amused me and my super immature sense of humor alot and its one of the funnier things straight people have said about queerness around me. I mean, I'm sure (at least if you're more lipstick/not-super-butch) that you've heard "oh wow, you don't look like a lesbian, I thought lesbians didn't shave thier legs/shaved their heads/wore mens clothing etc". And I'm sure someone has asked you, about a date, girlfriend, or hook up "so are you the man or the woman". Clearly we are both women, that's why were not straight.
And I'm sure the bi's have heard "well atleast then you can pick a guy for long term". Umm sorry, last time I checked it didn't work that way. I'm not so much offended by these comments (although sometimes) as amused by the silly things people think...
So whats the wierdest question or comment someones made to you about queer identity/sex/relationships etc?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
This is one of the most queer-positive science fiction plots I have even encountered. The episode ran for the first time back in 1992. The premise is simply that the crew encounters an alien species that has no gender. In working with this species called the J'nai, Commander Riker discovers that one of them seems to be different. Seems to be mysteriously . . . female.
If you have 45 minutes to spare (and you know you do) you should check this out. I watched it last night and now I'm walking on air about how proud I am to be a Star Trek geek. Who knows, maybe you'll wanna be my friend so we can watch more excellent episodes together :)
Here's the Surf the Channel Link: http://www.surfthechannel.com/video/202/39503.html
Much love and final paper writing :)
(letting that sink in for a moment)
And its great. That's why I didn't post on Thursday as is usually my jam. I have never spent so long working on footnotes in my entire life. DON'T LEAVE THOSE TO THE LAST MINUTE. it blows. I mean, don't leave the writing to the last minute either.
I'm ambivalent about my senior essay in a lot of ways. It's epic. I barely made it under the max word count of 15,000 (that's about 60 pages). So obviously I did a lot of work. But I'm also pissed because this was a two term essay most of the work for which was done literally in three to four weeks- over spring break and one week in both directions. So what did I do all fall? I did the work required of our seminar, but very little of that made its way into my paper ultimately. Sometimes I guess its just a long and windy road.
Speaking a little to the previous post, I had grand aspirations for this year and for the most part, I haven't been disappointed.
I've taken some awesome out-of-my-box classes, gotten more involved in JE life (well, until the last two weeks.), started doing this...I could keep going.
I guess my strategy was to let the awesome things find me. My perspective is undoubtedly skewed because as a varsity athlete there is a ton that I know I miss out on already, so now that I've got more time, that's the stuff I go to first. But I also know myself at least well enough to realize that even the stuff I'm really passionate about isn't going to get the right kind of energy if I've got to start it from the ground up. And its because my priorities are already set.
2) classes generally
4) anything I've already promised myself to
5) new stuff I want to do.
see? It's pretty far down. And starting new things, as some teammates of mine discovered the hard way this term, is really hard as a senior unless you've got really enthusiastic and committed underclassmen to help you (or its a small enough project that you don't need that much help). There simply are a lot of other demands on you.
But my plan has worked admirably for me to this point. I got back into IM sports. I've done a better job generally of seeking out people I like but never get to see.
As for getting ready for next year, this AmeriCorp app I'm working on is a real pain in my ass. I'll admit that I was a little bummed when big-deal-consulting-firm-x fell through, but I think in hindsight I would have hated that. (You should totally attend the info sessions because the finger food is quite tasty. and you get free notebooks and pens, which I'm sure excites me more than most people) So I turned my mind towards smaller companies, or doing some non-profit work, which is how I ended up at AmeriCorp (so much more than TFA- check it out). I think whats most important is to just stay relaxed. Stress isn't going to make anything better, it just makes you unhappy. I'm lucky because I know at least that I'm moving in with my heterosexual life partner after graduation. So all I really need to do is find a way to pay my rent. At the very worst I see myself as the only personal trainer with a Yale degree. But let's be honest....I get paid solid money to yell at people and get free gym access. I'm not sure it gets much better either.
I'm letting my mind decompress for a couple more hours before I frantically make up lost time in my digital video class. Joy.
also, before I forget. CREDIT/D CREDIT/D CREDIT/D. You can take 4 classes Cr/d/Fail. USE THEM! It means you can take something you are interested in but terrible at, or something totally random. Or if you're like me, it takes you course load down from 4 to 2. sort of. my point it, take advantage of it.
And I haven't been able to not think about what I want to do with it. It'll be my last year in college. Academically, I am pretty set: although I am a Political Science major by credits, I want to explore classes in Anthropology, in Gender Studies, and in Philosophy. I also plan on submitting a thesis proposal. So I'm comfortable in the academic sphere.
What I'll do after graduation? Well, who knows, maybe grad school, maybe a job, although I'm leaning more toward the latter. A job in what? Who knows, I guess I'll have to do a lot of research over the summer. But that's not what I've been thinking about...
"What kind of impact do I want to have on my campus? And how do I want to go about doing this?"
This inevitably has led me to think about leadership positions, clubs on campus, potential clubs I may want to found. There are a couple of things I'd like to do, but only so much time, so I really have to choose. Another option is to simply enjoy senior year without any extracurricular commitments/with not so many. And that may be what ends up happening, but a big part of me really wants to do something, create, explore, change, and grow in the process.
Seniors out there, what have you guys done with your senior year? Everyone else, what are you planning on doing next year? What do you absolutely want to do?
The way I think about it is this: College is over, it's been maybe two years after I graduated, and I look back to my college experience...
Did I love it? What, if anything, was missing?
With this question I seek to capture that which I want to spend my senior year doing. Of course, there is a lot more than extracurricular commitments, that's just been one of the things I've thought about.
I'd love your feedback, and to hear what you guys have done/want to do?
Much love, always
Friday, April 9, 2010
I'm sure everyone has already seen this, but I'd like to do a close analysis, if you will.
So the basic story is that on an episode of Family Feud, Ellen DeGeneres was a topic. The first part of the family happily shouts out the obvious things: "She's gay!" "She's funny!" "She likes to dance a lot!" Ding Ding Ding! Applause applause applause. And then, the patriarch of the family, with a strangely matter-of-fact tone, says into the microphone:
"She's doesn't like our country very much."
The father has a smirk of satisfaction. The family claps awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Then the screen goes to the board and apparently, Ellen DeGeneres is not known for hating America.
I have a few questions, but one above the rest: Why the fuck would you ever say this? Ever? Has homophobia gone so far as to be a central country value? Is that how Ellen shows her distaste in the country? I'm sorry, but when our founding fathers were in a cramped room in the middle of July with no twentieth century air-conditioning I doubt that they were thinking at any point:
"Oh yeah, we should hint that munching carpet is unpatriotic. It just goes against the vision, man. And it will really piss of Britain; those bitches are known for being lesbionic."
Maybe he believes that all showbiz types hate America. Yep, not like the people of this country essentially created that concept or anything. Oh, by the way guys, Steven Spielberg and Oprah hate America, too. In fact, any famous person that is either not-white, homosexual, female, and also remotely interesting is probably plotting with the terrorists in Yemen or something to bring out country down.
I sincerely hope this guy is so embarrassed by what he said. And I hope his embarrassment knocks the stupidity out of his head and out of everyone else's who thinks this was a sensible comment.
Additionally, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are fifty times hotter than those assholes Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There, I said it.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
It's awesome. Leztastic.
Sorry for such a short post...is this week killing everyone else?
All I want to do is go crawl in bed and cuddle with my girlfriend...but instead I have to study for stats. Hmph.
I want my sanity back....
Monday, April 5, 2010
"I know we hardly talk, but I have been following you on facebook. Are you dating the girl on your profile pic? I am sorry if this question offends you, and you do not have to answer. It's just that someone told me you were, and I preferred to ask you. I do not care about your sexual orientation, as I admire you for the person you are. Hope all is well, kiss, your aunt."
I still don't know what to make of it. I probably won't respond, and that in itself is probably an answer....I know that my family on my Dad's side has been gossiping about my sexuality for a couple of months now....all because of facebook. At some point, my girlfriend and I decided to not care about how obvious our facebook profiles were. When we first started dating, instead of posting "I love you" we would write %*!@#$%^&%!!! to express our frustration. And suddenly that stopped mattering. The immediate consequences were liberating. But it also meant that I was, in a sense, "outing" myself: my teacher from high school e-mailed me, another aunt e-mailed me, and it just kind of became known back home.
I'm fine with certain people back home knowing (friends, classmates, certain teachers), I still don't know how I feel about my teachers from elementary school, for instance, knowing. And it still makes me uncomfortable that my family gossips/knows.
Perhaps it's silly that I give it so much importance. Here I feel so protected, but back home, with certain family members, or with certain people, I still feel very much exposed...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Anyway, what I was originally going to write about is on a kind of similar feminist-but-not-particularly-gay topic: sexual double standard. The other day my friends and I were talking about our hook ups from the weekend and general sex lives. We ended the conversation talking about how well one of the boys does, having a new hookup every weekend. Literally five minutes later, we ran into a girl we all know who someone described (as soon as she was our of earshot) as "a bit crazy, kind of a nympho...I mean she hooks up with a new guy every week". Wait, what?
Apparently, what is successful for a guy makes you a slut if your a girl. again grrr. I feel like this double standard is especially applicable to us bi's. I mean, a lot of people hear bi and instantly think slutty. I'm not necessarily a "slut" - i just happen to like girls and guys also - and if i were that's not a reason to judge. Can we let everyone organize their sex lives themselves, without making a huge deal about the gender or number of their partners or what kind of sex they enjoy?
I don't understand the whole bi=slut thing...especially for straight guys. Look I know that some girls do it for attention, but that doesn't mean that when I'm making out with a girl at a party that you can come up and grind on us. I'm busy, ok?
anyway that's my rant for the day. on a lighter note: go to http://www.fox.com/glee/and watch Sue's corner. haha. and Glee is coming back April 13th, I'm so excited!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
That topic is unfunny misogynist jokes.
Listen, I like offending people just as much as the next jerk out there. But there is a way to do it skillfully, subtly raising awareness and then satirizing our views on whatever is at hand. These jokes, however, are just really really really stupid. Even worse, they are repeated ad nauseum , and are unfortunately considered acceptable responses to anything.
For example, there is a facebook group called, "I was shocked when I realized that 'woman' spelled backwards is 'kitchen'." Completely avoiding the fact that this isn't true, there's also the fact that, um, that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I mean "taco cat" spelled backwards is "taco cat", but that's different. "small penis" spelled backwards is "sinep llams", which also isn't particularly relevant, but it can be fun to shout at people.
Want me to stay in the kitchen, followers of the male patriarchal system? Well, there are a lot of things I can do in a kitchen. I can sit around in a kitchen. I can start a Satanic cult in a kitchen. I can eat all the food in the kitchen and then have you come home, starve, and then make love with my fat, bloated ass. Jerk.
There's also the beloved, "Make me a sandwich!" First of all, I'm usually too lazy to make myself a sandwich. Second, if you ever ask me this in the playful mannerism of a fourteen year old boy or a 4chan user (I might have been redundant there), I will not be able to make a come back with my feeble, womanly mind. I will probably just knee you in the balls instead.
So please, even if you hate women (and you're missing out on [a] great sex, people), stop telling these jokes at least in the name of good comedy. It needs to live on past senseless one-liners. And maybe if you're nice for once, I might possibly consider getting two slices of bread for you to make your own sandwich.
All this week I've been reminded of my good ole days but because my memory is not fantastic, I will start with yesterday and work back.
Confession: It's been a while since I've actually done any light design.
It took me a while to get my bearings in the cabaret light booth. It didn't help the matter that they haven't really finished setting up their own lighting rig yet, and an electrician, unfortunately, I am not. But anyhow, once I did, it was awesome. I bonded with some source fours, fought with some gels, finally figured out how to turn the house lights off without turning all the lights off. I went on and on about how "in my day light boards didnt come with touch screens".
I kinda miss doing theater tech. But I never really felt like I could break into Dramat. My priority isn't theater, I just think its fun. So I tried doing some prop stuff which was pretty dry until I did Rocky Horror which was awesome.
But Bad Romance has been a whole different story. This has reminded me of why I liked doing theater in the first place: working together with awesome people, being hands on, seeing an artistic idea (or ideas) brought to fruition.
Now if I can run the lights on Sunday without getting caught up in the performances, it will be perfect. In short: Come to the show!
Right now, I am live from the Peter Pan bus I am riding to Ithaca. Woo!