A Day Late

both a description of this post and an awesome song by Anberlin (who happens to be playing at Toads on June 1st) and pretty accurartely describes My EnTiRe ExiStENce!!

Anyhow....

So I'm at home. Sort of. And by 'home' I mean I'm splitting time between my grandmother's house, my mom's apartment, and my best friend's apartment where I will be living as soon as I start getting paid. It's complicated. But worry not, dear Readers, I 'spect that by the beginning of July I will be a full fledged and well paid personal trainer. Ching!

I thought about taking this time to reflect on my past four years. Or really even the last two as those are the most relevant. But that would be super long, and no specific story is jumping out at me right at this second.

Instead, let me start by saying that it's funny for me to be writing this post in my grandmother's house of all places. Of any of the relatives with whom I interact on a regular basis, she's the most conservative and the last person I would tell I was queer. (*tangent* this morning over coffee, she called herself queer intending the 'odd' meaning of the word, but I had a little chuckle) This is not to say she doesn't know. You see, this is where the story gets funny.

My best friend, from earlier, who I'm moving in with. She's more than just my best friend. She is my heterosexual life partner. We've been super tight since senior year of high school and I don't see that changing any time soon. Of all the people who came to graduation she was the one I was most happy to see. Unlike my yalie-version of her, I have never had any sexual attraction to her, and now it would just be beyond weird. But, sometimes I wonder if her prominence in my life will complicate my bothering to find a signficant romantic other of my own (she's been with her boyfriend for like...3 years or something ridiculous). But that is not the point of the story.

Once upon a time, I finally convinced her to come out to Jersey to hang with me instead of us roaming the city-which, granted, is more stimulating. So, she arrives and in some converation I am not party to, my mother insuates that she and I are in fact an item and so any and all lame adults should make themselves scarce. Now, my mother knows full well that we're not together (though I think this happened more recently than I originally thought). My suspicion is that she just wanted us to have our own space and not have P.O.S. all weekend, which I can appreciate.

However, this message has not been so clear through the lines of my extended family. Fast forward to graduation. I'm walking my friend back to the train station and she says "I'm pretty sure your grandmother still thinks we're together". Ah indeed, I say. Turns out, my grandmother had tried to really chat up my friend who she has only met once. I mean...it's sweet I guess, but man are they gonna be confused when I get around to bringing home an actual girlfriend. oh bother....

Sometimes I just miss my mom...

A couple of years ago, around the same time I started dating women I stopped talking to my mom, a lot.

Before I actually "took the plunge" and actually got the guts to ask girls out, I had tested the waters with my mom, so to speak. I asked her questions about what she thought on the topic and quite frankly I never received a very positive response to say the least...

When I actually went for it, the girl dating part, I didn´t tell my mom, in fact I was very careful to hide it from her. I was afraid of her rejection and her criticism, she can be quite harsh at times.

This went on for a while, eventually she started getting suspicious, and our relationship plummeted at an accelerated rate...

I realized that keeping things about my sexuality not only meant that I couldnt tell her who I was dating, but also I couldnt tell her about the parties I went to, the people I hung out with, I couldn't explain certain political interests I have, heartbreak, joys, worries about questioning girls in my life....

I came out to her a couple of months ago. She didn't take it well. It disgusts her. My girlfriend is banned from my house. I can hardly tell her half the things I do here because half of them have to do with my queerness. I feel attacked by her.

I miss her. I wish we could talk like before. When I was younger, when I was still what she "wanted".

I know she loves me, but she disagrees with so much of who I am.

Sometimes though, I really just want her back. It´s strange to want someone in my life that both hurts me and loves me at the same time. She´s bittersweet to me.

Sometimes i just miss my mom...