A couple of years ago, around the same time I started dating women I stopped talking to my mom, a lot.
Before I actually "took the plunge" and actually got the guts to ask girls out, I had tested the waters with my mom, so to speak. I asked her questions about what she thought on the topic and quite frankly I never received a very positive response to say the least...
When I actually went for it, the girl dating part, I didn´t tell my mom, in fact I was very careful to hide it from her. I was afraid of her rejection and her criticism, she can be quite harsh at times.
This went on for a while, eventually she started getting suspicious, and our relationship plummeted at an accelerated rate...
I realized that keeping things about my sexuality not only meant that I couldnt tell her who I was dating, but also I couldnt tell her about the parties I went to, the people I hung out with, I couldn't explain certain political interests I have, heartbreak, joys, worries about questioning girls in my life....
I came out to her a couple of months ago. She didn't take it well. It disgusts her. My girlfriend is banned from my house. I can hardly tell her half the things I do here because half of them have to do with my queerness. I feel attacked by her.
I miss her. I wish we could talk like before. When I was younger, when I was still what she "wanted".
I know she loves me, but she disagrees with so much of who I am.
Sometimes though, I really just want her back. It´s strange to want someone in my life that both hurts me and loves me at the same time. She´s bittersweet to me.
Sometimes i just miss my mom...
4 comments:
I'm sure she misses you too...
and I love the picture you chose, it is incredibly cute
Time heals so much. I am SO sorry. No one should have to feel rejected, undesirable, or unwanted. Of course you miss her--she's your mother. Even if she says hurtful things, her approval is sometimes the MOST wanted. All I can say is give it time. There is a period of loss that parents have to go through in a sense. (Every day dream they had of what man you would marry, etc etc). They have this little grieving process they have to go through to let go of what THEY wanted, and realize that what they really want is only, only for you to be happy and at peace. It's just that in the beginning I feel like they think they know the answer to that.
I still have tough conversations with my mom. Today, she said "I don't know ...you've just been identifying so much with the lgbt community, you no longer identify ,like, with, you know, normal, regular people". Haha.
Homophobia. It is tackled the best when someone close to the homophobic person comes out. By being out to your mom...you're making the world a better place. Even if it's slow...and painful.
aw honey i'm sorry :( i miss my mom too.. her love was so unconditional and accepting my whole life, until it came to this stuff.
I'm sorry too. Most of us were lucky enough (up until now) to believe that our parents would support us no matter what. They still love us but it is a painful, different kind of love. Looking at people who are happily out, one can't help but feel that one could have it all too, and that one's hellish closeted state could start to come to an end end through a conversation with one's family. Sometimes, though, that conversation is saturated with more opposition, vituperative sentiment and hostility than one could ever anticipate as "typical" or "expected". It can be a conversation that tears you up and breaks your heart, and unless parents change their tone, it will be a conversation that will play over and over in your head for weeks and months afterwords. Your friends love and support you, your girlfriend loves you, and deep down, your parents still love you....but this is not enough to feel whole again. When I discovered I was gay, I was able to get over the sadness that comes with a future radically different than the one I imagined--that loss was not too "hard to master," as the poet says--but the loss (hopefully temporary) of family support was almost more than I could bear.
At times like this, I'm reminded of a lyric in MGMT's "Time to Pretend": "I miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms/I miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world/I miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home/Yeah, I miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone."
Here's to a simpler time--and the possibility of regaining the feeling of being wholly loved, the feeling we had when our parents tucked us in at night, assured us that the future held magical things for us, and chased the monsters away. I'm facing so many personal "monsters" right now, and I need those I love most back on my team.
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