What can I update you on? Hmm.
I had my first threesome last week. (INDEPENDENCE, bitches). It was…interesting. Okay well it was a little awkward in the beginning. Okay, so it was sort of planned. I’ll back up.
Girl-I-like slept with this toppy Williams graduate a couple weeks ago but thought they were both a little too toppy for each other. However girl-I-like drunkenly said “Hey, girl-I’m-seeing (ME!) thinks you’re hot. You’re totally her type. We should hang out.”
We should hang out. Really?! Smooooth, Girl-I-Like.
However, it worked. Williams grad (WG) goes, “Hmm. I’m down. I’ve never been the odd man out. That’d be hot.”
Fast forward one week. Text from WG to Girl-I-Like.
WG: Wanna hang tonight
GIL: Well, girl-I’m-seeing will be here tonight. Wanna come over
WG: Am I interfering?
GIL: No. Not at all.
(I hope you read that last text as sketchily as possible).
WG: I’ll stop by around 9, then?
GIL: Perfect. We can play videogames and drink beer.
Make the situation non-awkward.
WG: K should I bring anything?
But come on, it IS awkward. At this point I steal the phone. Mind you, I have not met WG.
GIL (but really me): Naw, don’t worry about it. I have the video camera, and the girl-I’m-seeing has some rope
I could not stop laughing. Luckily WG laughed (via text) and offered to bring handcuffs.
Fast forward 6 hours. Girl-I-like and I are freaking out about the fucking lights in the apartment. I grabbed a beer to calm my fears of this going horribly wrong. What if she is really socially incompetent and can’t handle this? How is it going to start? Will it actually happen? If it does….what if I really don’t like watching Girl-I-Like and WG hook up? What if…I really like hooking up with WG….
I grab a beer while cleaning up the apartment.
“THIS IS SO AWKWARD.”
“Keep the lights off. It’s scary bright.”
“But it looks like we are mood-setting with just the little Christmas lights on. We said come over for VIDEOGAMES.”
“But we need to see the screen better, we need the lights off!”
“IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE MOOD-SETTING. She’s going to walk in and be like…what the fuck.”
“Fine. Get me a beer.”
An hour later.
She walks in. Yeah, she’s hot. Kind of andro. Butchy, but wears eyeliner. Dimples. She’s a biker…so her body is…ahem…you know, alright. (I try not to squirm obviously on the couch with excitement in front of Girl-I-Like and who I want to continue liking me. BUT SHE’S GORGEOUS. )We continue drinking. Somehow and some point we even watch “Hitler in the Springtime” clips on YouTube. Girl-I-Like is Jewish (so it’s ok she put it on) and found it hilarious. Hitler prancing flamboyantly and very homosexually around on stage was much less funny when WG said her grandfather is a holocaust survivor.
Pour more whiskey.
Lots of laughter and shifting (oh so accidentally) to where I am closer to WG with each casual laugh on the couch. WG puts hand on my shoulder. Plays with my hair. WG kisses girl-I-like. Girl-I-like kisses me. WG kisses me. It was actually going to happen.
Fast forward 8 hours.
This note was put on the apartment door the next morning. (If you needed something to prompt your imagination about how the night went).
Things to discuss about threesomes at a later point.
1) How to avoid the cuddle slumber-party post sex. Three spoons is cool but not when I wanted to only cuddle with Girl-I-like.
2) How to control jealousy when hearing girl-I-like’s moans causally related to third-party’s touch. I may or may not have moved a hand so that I could be the one to…ahem. That is my job.