An online space for queer, questioning, lesbian, bi, trans and everything else in between women at Yale

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In Retrospect

Every time I start a post i seem to postpone actually posting it, and it has ended in approx. four drafts about four different things on the blog server...i fail.

So I decided today was the day to post.. After having efficiently procrastinated work, watching harry potter 6 and fast forwarding the parts that freak me out, I find myself sitting in front of the computer, still pondering what a good blog post would be...who knows.

Here goes anyway.

Earlier today I met with a friend that is at the moment coming into her "gay identity",beginning to come to terms with the fact that she is actually interested in women as opposed to men. It all got me thinking of what a really interesting processes that is.... I´ve had many conversations with people about their coming out experiences, at least coming out to themselves and there is one phrase that always comes up in the story..

"Now that I know....looking back things make much more sense..."

And things actually do seem to make much more sense.

Like my insane crush on my second grade teacher, the fact that all of my "early childhood sexual explorations" of playing games of doctor and the predecessor of "are you nervous" were only with girls. How I got jealous when my best friend in the 5th grade talked to me about a boy she liked.. How I was deathly afraid that I would accidentally kiss a girl I thought was really pretty in the 6th grade, so much that I actually stopped hanging out with her.

In retrospect things do seem to make sense. but I wonder, how come I wasn't necessarily aware of my "gay identity" back then? Was it simply that I did not have a language for it? did I not want to see it? was it never an option in my head? I am simply giving more meaning to these things now, because now I do in fact sleep with women, date them, and so on...?

Who knows....

I wonder what things make sense to you...in retrospect.

Picture: In Retrospect by Bojana Randall

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with you. I have no idea if i give more weight to certain events because i know that i sleep with women now...who knows. but there are definitely some things that happened in my early life...like my first kiss being with a girl in sixth grade...that should have clued me in way more than it did, haha