An online space for queer, questioning, lesbian, bi, trans and everything else in between women at Yale

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"Looking" Gay

People tell me I look straight a lot, which to be honest, is something I think that is both part of me and something that I have aimed for. It may have started as a mechanism to hide who I was when I was in the closet.. avoiding baggy T-shirts, and anything that seemed un-feminine to me. But I also know that before I came out, I loved ballet and sitting around my house wearing short pink dresses just because they were cute. I loved cute feminine girls, and wanted to be one myself.

I'm not sure if I've ended up the same person I would have without societal influences, because I know when I was little I definitely had periods where I hated everything girly, spurned dolls, and loved playing outside. But then again, a lot of girls go through phases like that. Do I just wonder if I should have stayed a tomboy because I'm a lesbian? Lesbians don't have to be tomboys! This is the great thing about the queer women world I'm just starting to figure out. Nothing is as set in stone as it seems to be.

People say I don't look gay... yet since coming out I've been able to be more feminine, and more myself, than ever. When I was in the closet, there was always the feminist part of me that did not want to be just a dolled up bimbo, or honestly someone who dressed up for guys' attention. But as a lesbian, there's a wonderfully feminist aura attached to me already - I don't have to worry about portraying that anymore. And as most people I know realize that I'm gay, the guy part isn't a worry either. I can be both feminine and a feminist! I think that should look pretty damn gay. ;)

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